Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
