i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
