I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
two words: eviction party
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
