"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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