An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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