so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
