I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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