My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If I die, sorry about rent.
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