If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have aggressive nipples.
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