Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
