I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
