if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
