when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
the condom got lost in my hair
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
