Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
BRING THE BAGELS
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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