What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
