I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
