Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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