He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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