This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
