Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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