you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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