I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
