our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just want nice things and good sex
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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