All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize