i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
