I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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