I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
