I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
