u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
