I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
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I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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