I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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