I will die if light touches me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
