you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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