I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
