Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
