i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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