Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
