she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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