Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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