Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize