Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
