also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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