Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
