it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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