At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
