there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
