Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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