I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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