can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He felt like a one man threesome
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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