Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
