I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
