I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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