are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
