How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize