i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
