Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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