The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
