Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
