Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
