She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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